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Post by Astral on Jun 10, 2007 2:13:04 GMT
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote, "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
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Post by Astral on Jun 10, 2007 2:14:13 GMT
ONCE A BAPTIST ALWAYS THINK LIKE A BAPTIST
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water.
He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
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Post by Astral on Jun 10, 2007 2:25:14 GMT
-A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
-A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
-A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
-The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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Post by Lightwanderer on Jun 14, 2007 16:34:36 GMT
A mother is having is being romanrtic with her lover. Her son comes in so she locks him in the closet. After hearing her husband come home she locks the lover also in the closet.
'It's Dark in here' the boy says. 'Yeah' the man replies. 'I have a baseball here. Do you want it? It costs only 250 bucks.' 'No way' answered the man 'If you don't buy it I will scream', said the boy The man thought it over and paid up.
Next night the boy is again locked in the closet with the lover. 'It's Dark in here'the boy says. 'Yeah' the man replies. 'Do you want a baseball glove?' the boy says. The man bought it for 750 bucks.
The next day the father says 'Son, lets go to play baseball' The boy says 'I sold my Base Ball and glove for 1000 bucks" The father says 'You should not overcharge your friends like that. I'm going to take you to the Confessional' And so the boy goes.
He goes into the Confessional. 'Wow, It's Dark in here' he comments. ..and from the other side of the wall the priest says 'Oh,for heavens sake don't start that again!'.
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Post by Xeron on Jun 18, 2007 14:16:08 GMT
A priest and a Rabbi were discussing various things.
The Priest said to the Rabbi, "Tell me honestly, have you ever tried ham?" The Rabbi said, "I must confess, I did once. Now, tell me, have you ever made love to a woman?" Blushing, the priest admits, "Yes, I did, just once." The Rabbi grins and says, "Now, which was better, that or ham?"
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