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Post by Monica on Oct 18, 2008 15:22:03 GMT
I feel empty. Emptiest. Like a walking zombie. Working, eating, sleeping, working. Pretending that I smile. I’m tired of smiling. I used to find joy in sun, rain, a smile or a flower. I can’t see them; it’s like they were never there. I wish I could see them. I wish I could cry, at least. I don’t care what will happen in an hour. Or in a minute. I just don’t care. Now it’s strange that I always cared. I forgot how it’s like. I am empty. I guess somewhere, deep inside, it’s me. But where is ME? I wonder what I do there. Sleeping? Crying? Caring? Watching? Thinking? Searching? I don’t care. If “me” feels safe there, “me” should stay there. I received an e-mail yesterday. It was for… me I guess. It was about Paganini that, in a concert, ended up by playing the violin with only one string left. “I don’t know what kind of problems you have now. It might be personal or professional ones… I don’t know. But I know one thing: not everything is lost. There is always a string. Playing it, you practice your talents. Playing it, you’ll vibrate. Learn to accept that life will always leave you a last string. When you’ll be discouraged, never give up. At that time, in you it will be the string of perseverance: “another try”. The victory is in the art to go on. […] Never all the strings will be broken. If the results are bad then it’s your chance to play the last string, of imagination, that reinvents the future with a continuous renewing. It’s always the forgotten string that will give you the best result. But if, by any chance, you’ll find yourself at the bottom, this will be your chance to touch the best string in universe: the confidence in yourself.” I know I’m writing this for someone else to read it and be of some help. I also know there are so many that can say: “been there, done that”, unfortunately. And why is that? Because we lie ourselves. Because we choose to close our eyes and pretend and hope things that will never come true. Because, instead of accepting the truth, we deceive ourselves. Our intuition says “you know the truth; accept it” and we say “shut up! I know better!”. And this only because, as in that quote below, we follow false hopes and desires, false values and ideas. We choose to suffer. Someone so dear to me taught me to live in the present, to be here at least for a minute. I can’t see that either now. It’s like everything is senseless. It’s good to have no desires but not in situations like this. It’s good to not live in the future but not in situations like this. Friends, don’t lie yourselves anymore. Listen to the 2,870,097,548’Th person that suffers for lying to themselves (am I optimistic?...). We were taught what to do, what to think and what to gossip about others since we are little kids. We learned to live in the society. We are taught what is right is what is wrong. And when we start waking up and see our truth, we are judged. By family, by friends and the holy society. And we start hiding this truth from ourselves, too. Why not? We are accepted if we are like the others. All we want is to be accepted because they told us this is what we want. Instead of being happy with who we are, we try to be like others. But I guess this is another story. Maybe I’m not as empty as I declared. There is a last string.
With love, Monica
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Post by enivid on Oct 18, 2008 19:27:01 GMT
A candid and soul bearing post, Monica. These feelings of emptiness often preceed a leap of growth.... Love, Danny
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Post by angelite on Oct 18, 2008 21:01:23 GMT
oh yes hun i agree with danny, ive been were you are many many times, what it is my darling.. is that you need a rest, maybe you hve been doing to much, as in working thinking working, and i know we all must work and keep our brains motivated... but you need time for you, a new you is emerging and you need peace and quiet and plenty of chill out time and pamper time you can get, make bath times a time to relaxe and just let all those thoughts of work and responsibilities disapear for a while, what is happening to you is normal and soon you will come out of this a much happier person, love and light hun xxxx also if you have a busy lifestyle dont forget to eat healthy and drink plenty of water, youl be fine in know time
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Post by Monica on Oct 19, 2008 7:05:28 GMT
Thank you Danny, thank you angelite for your input. Everything is grey combined with grey. I reached this point because I already suffered too much. And because I thought this is the reason of being alive. I have to suffer to reach heaven. It's false. Absolutely wrong. Many of us claim to be religious and suffer to have a good life after. Hell is here; heaven is here. We choose what life we want to have. I'll go on with what I started yesterday (I guess I need to talk...and I guess you need to listen ;D). We grow with many conditionings; we think this is the truth; our parents, our teachers do that for us; not because they want to hurt us but because they also think this is the truth. Who really teach us to love ourselves for who we are? Who teach us to really be who we are? We all are parts of God but we judge each other and we hurt each other. We think that we'd better hurt the other first, before being hurt. We think we have to fight in this life for a good job, a nice house and something to eat. Plus, to meet the love of our lives and to be happy. Happy? We have no idea what is happiness if this is what we think. How to love another entity when you don't love yourself? How to desire happiness when I don't make a move for that? And how to keep a relationship when you hide between conditionings and principles that are not actually yours? We are taught to be limited. Everybody always knows better than you. They give you advices; they want your best. How is it possible for them to know your best? They can't. But we forget that. And the entire life we go with the flock and the entire life we are sorry for ourselves. It's like we boil in a big cauldron and we are afraid to gleam from there because of the spoon above our head. That spoon if from wood, people! How much hurt it can do? A little bump and you can be free. But no, I choose to remain here; after all, they are all here, right? I shouldn't be outside. I would be lonely. I would be lonely if I would keep my conditioning of being in the flock. And, despite of what we almost always think, it's only our fault. Not anyone else's.
With love, Monica
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Post by sidney33 on Oct 19, 2008 8:59:38 GMT
Dear Monica you are suffering some stress its been a journey with your mum if only I could give you a big hug close your eyes and I will send you one yes best to live in the moment .ask your doctor for some anti anxiety pills I recommend them I call them my happy pills .also try this just for fun purse your lips and suck air till your lungs fill then breath out slowly .Then put your hands hard against your ears close your eyes breathe through your nose and you will hear the sound of your breathing loudly listen to it and count the out breath this will bring you to the moment and clear your head .I know from your writing you are a kind and loving woman .so if this don’t work go for a dirty weekend and get drunk let loose and live .with love and sincerity Sidney.
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Post by enivid on Oct 19, 2008 10:31:50 GMT
LMAO, Sidney! You made me laugh out loud!!!! I prefer the advice of a dirty weekend.... works every time for me! On a serious note, Monica. I read a meditation somewhere the other day and it's powerful, healing stuff! Once in a relaxed, meditive state, affirm clearly in your mind: "my spirit nourishes my physical body"..... after a long pause... Also affirm: "every cell in my body is pure, brilliant, white light" Visualise this in your mind and observe any thoughts or sensations you may have. Do this often...... Just a suggestion..
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Post by Monica on Oct 19, 2008 11:49:12 GMT
Thank you Danny. I will do that. Thank you Sidney. I felt your hug. There were more things in my life than you know. I completely gave up my life here three times, to be with the love of my life many miles away. Three times I was sent back. It would be too much to tell how and why and when and it doesn't matter anymore. I wanted to believe what I was told even if I started to understand that I was deceiving myself. I left behind my pride, my safety, my friends for that. I wanted to give up my job, too but I was lucky. I wanted to believe that I'm loved as I loved. Even if I was feeling it's not true. Even if I was seeing that my efforts don't matter. I was judged and accused, humiliated and hurt as I never was in my whole life. But it didn't matter. Because I chose to close my eyes. And to see and hear only what it was in favor. My life was hell there but it didn't matter too much. I was where I wanted to be. Each time when I was sent home and taken back, I was fully responsible. I did everything in the name of love. And because I thought I can open other eyes to see life how it really is. But I failed every time. In the beginning, in the middle and in the end, everything was my fault. I don't care anymore but it hurt me so much, until now, seeing that nothing that I did mattered. I had plans, I had hopes and no fears. I was so close to see my life dream coming true: my own house, with two trees in front of it. I found it and almost bought it. But it didn't meant to be. I think each of us has the life that she/he makes it. And we have what we choose. A relationship means two people doing their half; you can do only your part, not both of them. Accept it. I don't regret what I did. I would have regret it if I wouldn't have tried until the end. And I don't regret I put my life on a plate now; I'm not afraid that I might me judged again; everyone sees their own reality. It's so hard to pass those many barriers that are in our lives, in our thoughts (what others will say? what they will think about me? wouldn't be better to shut up?), barriers that were put there a very long time ago, to "educate" us. I refuse to be more educated than I already am. I came in this world for myself, not for others not to judge me. I came here to really grow, not to be limited in principles and conditions that are not mine. And my growing will depend on my choices only.
With love, Monica
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Post by imogen on Oct 20, 2008 5:59:44 GMT
Hello Monica, Sounds as if you are well and truly in the yucky place at the moment. I don't want to role out the obvious but sometimes you've just got to. The darkest hour is just before dawn, I have the impression that you have reached a point where you have become immobilized by all that you have felt, that perhaps you have become overloaded with so much that you have felt; you cant feel any more. If that is so , it will dissipate .. sometimes on its own, with time, sometimes with a little encouragement. We could send healing if you like or, I'll have a good think for something more tangible. shedding is really good Monica, keep talking... Much love, Imogen
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Post by ruth on Oct 20, 2008 11:09:18 GMT
Mon~ My dear dear sweet Monica! I, yes, understand and why do I understand, because it was meant for me to go through. Listen, you know most of what's happened in my life this year, well there is more....No, you are not alone, but as I found out, me and only me had to pull myself out of this and move ahead. I did a lot of soul searching, pondering why life has chosen me to practice its cruel mean jokes on, but as I found it, it was a chosen life lesson. YES!!! I chose this path and I am still walking on it, but with different light. We all have choices to make and either continue in a spiral down or talk to ourselves and say 'listen, I can do this" Nothing is life is ever perfect and people that you look at ALL have problems, but its how they handle it. Have you had enough? if not you will continue this pattern. When do you think you don't want to feel like this anymore? well yes this is mostly issues that we care not to deal with, but none the less, we must. Your soul is so loving, otherwise you wouldn't have reached out like you did, bearing it to all. You are crying out for someone to save you and I am reaching to you...my hand, has always been there. You are not alone, you can choose to feel my presence or fight to feel otherwise and I know otherwise....you're getting tired of it. You are a ray of sunlight that has been hidden by a cloud......since your post this cloud is moving away and you are coming out even stronger than ever.........and you know what? it's ok. It's all ok. Life is not the same as it was a few months ago, hell, its not the same as it was yesterday morning and why should it be? It's because we have the chance to emerge every moment of everyday differently. What a gift!!! if not in the next ten minutes or hour....than you try again in the next...... There are no set rules for how you should feel, and it's ok to be blah, its releasing all that blah. I love you so and you know this. We are all here for you, please PM me...... love ruth
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Post by Monica on Oct 20, 2008 17:46:21 GMT
Hi my dear friends , I don't know what to say except for what is in me. For a moment, I felt naked in front of you ;D. And looking at it very objective, it's like a soap opera ;D. Me, grumbling. You, trying to help this crazy woman. Thank you all for that . Imogen, you are right; it was too much and I can't take it anymore. And, surprisingly, I feel ok. I don't suffer anymore. Many things just stopped and I needed that. I always had to take care of things and others. I never had the chance to let someone else to do things for me. But right now I'm really fine just breathing. I don't even feel the need to talk anymore. They are just words. Thank you . Ruth, my dear Ruth . You always trusted me and always told me I'm a fighter. You are much more than that. You are such a beautiful soul always ready to help, no matter your problems. And I know you are there for me. And I truly thank you for this. And you are right. When I'll feel the need to get out of this state, I will. By myself. Knowing that you all are there. Thank you again. With love, Monica
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Post by ruth on Oct 20, 2008 18:10:53 GMT
You are a blessing in our lives Mon. Life lessons are these weird blessings that show us light after a long hard battle with life. There is always sun.....even on a cloudy day. Vent all you want...let it out, rant rave and carry on....through all of this, your inner light shines and its letting itself shine through. How lovely, to have that fire in you.......another blessing. Love you ruth
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Post by sidney33 on Oct 21, 2008 7:36:42 GMT
Monica am pleased to hear you are feeling a bit better .Monica i send you more big hugs this time a kiss with it wish i could do more i do know how it feels to be down and writing it down like you have is a good thing do start thinking of your self go for a walk have a good cry do whatever it takes i allso send you love and kindness .Sidney.
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Post by Monica on Oct 21, 2008 9:28:52 GMT
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Post by Monica on Oct 27, 2008 9:16:35 GMT
Mr. Gheorghe Zamfir and Romania. The images are very close to the place I wanted to live. The Lonely Shepherd
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Post by omen23 on Oct 27, 2008 9:53:49 GMT
hmm yep monica ur not alone i have this grayish condision few year now all is like gray but i hope for the best i do a littel praying to got so everything will be good so maybe you must just find your self again or maybe u must find something in you(maybe god is calling to come back to him) so dont bother too much it is not easy but it is doeble try to think positive just imagine some real nice thoughts like rain how it falls down on the floor or something that is nice and soft... i hope things will get well (i will pray a littel for you maybe it will help ) so good luck and have a great day-if it is posible and yes you will get over it all by ur self and with a littel help from god n frends
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