Post by saisri on Jan 29, 2006 3:52:15 GMT
A Collection of Spiriutal Jokes from Various Contributers
Spiritual Jokes
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man to God : "O Lord, I want peace".
God to Man : "When you remove yourself of 'I' and the 'want' you will automatically have peace."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is a tradition in the US for people to make statements through stickers they stick on their car bumpers. Here are a few funny bumper stickers.
"Procrastinate now"
"My Karma ran over my Dogma!!"
"Never drive faster than your angel can fly!!"
"I'd rather be in Samadhi"
"Out of body. Will be back in 15 minutes!"
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Vegetarians visualize whirled peas"
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Few One-liners ...
"Meditation - You have the right to remain silent."
"Don't just do something, sit there."
"Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along A rabbi is overcome with spiritual ecstasy and runs up to the altar, throwing himself on his knees, crying, "I'm nobody Lord! I'm nobody! Nobody!"
The cantor witnesses his state of humility and unity with the One and is so deeply moved, he too runs to altar yelling, "Lord, I"m nobody! I'm nobody, Lord!"
The janitor mopping the floor is dumbstruck, and also deeply moved. Filled with piety and a fervent spirit, he drops his mop and also dashes to the altar, proclaiming, "I'm nobody! Oh Lord, hear me, I'm nobody! Nobody!"
He prostrates himself beside the rabbi and cantor, repeating this mantrik cry, as the rabbi takes notice, turns to the cantor, and with a gesture, says, "So, look who's nobody."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
Part 2
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?" The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth. When the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine. The yogi said "No. I can transcend dental medication."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, then said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
When two psychic friends met, one said:
"You are fine. How am I ?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest and bus driver lived together and one day thay also together died.
They go to st. Peter stending before heaven gate. He allows the bus driver to go to one of the highest heavens but the priest has to wait.
He waits for long time and finaly goes to st. Peter and asks: "Why could that bus driver go to the highest heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"
St. Peter said: "When you were speaking to the people at your church everybody was sleeping, but when that bus driver was driving everybody prayed!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him: You can stay here but we have one important rule - all students observe Mouna or vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years. After practicing for 12 long years Yoga Asanas, Meditation, a lot of Karma Yoga, etc., the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.
He said: "The bed is too hard."
He kept going for another 12 years of hard Sadhana and austere discipline and got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."
Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit."
His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."
------------------------------------------------------------------------If God is not the answer, what was the question?
------------------------------------------------------------------------For the majority of us the most horrible fear is the fear of speaking in front of a public and the second most frightening fear is the fear of death.
Does that mean that if we had to do a speech at a funeral we would prefer to be dead ?
------------------------------------------------------------------------How to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.
------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you make God laugh?
Say: "This is mine".
------------------------------------------------------------------------What makes God laugh?
When a doctor tells his patient: "I cured you"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
www.buddhamind.info/riteside/farzical/farzical.htm
www.serve.com/~cmtan/buddhism/Lighter/comments.html
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Buddhist Humor
A zen student walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The Paratrooper
A paratrooper was scared to jump. His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."
The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him.
He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.
Dealing with Neurotics
The psychiatrist asks the Zen Master, "How do you deal with neurotics?"
The Zen Master replies, "I get them to the point where they can't ask anymore questions".
Driving in India
A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."
Compassion with an umbrella
A Western Buddhist woman was In india, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
Walking on water
Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my the other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"
Two Drunk monks
I took my son, Ian to a farewell party for some friends returning to their country. Ian, age 9, wisely observed that some of the participants drank too much (I was not among those). On our 1 1/2 hour journey home, I spoke to him about the importance of moderation.
After thinking for sometime, Ian said, "Dad, I have a story that I just made up."
"There were these two Buddhist monks who had about 13 beers each. One had to walk home quite some distance.
'Will you be all right to walk home?', the one asked
'Of course, I will take the Middle Path,' he replied."
Wise blind elephants
Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.
The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."
The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.
Flapping flag
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.
The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"
The other side
One day a young Buddhist on his journey home, came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him , he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher "Oh wise one , can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river"?
The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back "My son, you are on the other side" .
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two monks were walking and came to a deep and wide river where there was a naked woman on the bank wanting to be carried across since she couldn't swim. Now the two monks had taken a vow of celebacy or chastity and could not touch a woman.
However, one monk agreed to carry the woman across the river and set her down gently on the other side - the two carried on their journey.
After a time, the second monk spoke up and declared "I can't believe you touched that naked woman!"
The first monk replied "I can't believe you're still carrying her - I put her down back there at the river!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flapping flag
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.
The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus was...
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on the subject of the ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by one they offered their evidence -
Jesus was Mexican -
His name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was black -
He called everyone "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Jewish -
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Italian -
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Californian -
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Irish -
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence...
Jesus was a woman -
She fed a crowd at a moment's notice
Men didn't understand her
Even when dead, she arose to complete her work
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from God
To : YOU
Date : TODAY
From : YOUR FRIEND
Subject : YOURSELF
Reference : LIFE
I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems.
Please remember that I do not need your help.
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
Do not attempt to resolve it.
Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.
All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.
Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic; don’t despair.
There are people in this world for which driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work;
Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has
never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend;
Think of the woman in dire straits,
Working twelve hours a day,
Seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new grey hair in the mirror;
Thinks of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about,
Asking what is my purpose`? Be thankful.
There are those who didn’t live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness,
Ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse.
You could be one of them!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The interview with God.
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.
“If you have the time” I said.
God smiled. “My time is eternity.”
“What questions do you have in mind for me?”
“What surprises you most about humankind?”
God answered...
“That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again.”
“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”
“That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future.”
"That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived.”
God’s hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.
And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons
you want your children to learn?”
“To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.”
“To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.”
“To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness.”
“To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”
“To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.”
“To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.”
“To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently.”
“To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”
"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.
"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"
God smiled and said,
“Just know that I am here... always.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------
www.otoons.com/eso/floss.htm
www.otoons.com/eso/clown_chakra.html
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
------------------------------------------------------------------------ COMMERCIAL JINGLES AND GOD
God is like Coca-Cola- He's the real thing
God is like Pan Am - He makes the going great
God is like General Electric - He lights your path
God is like Bayer Aspirin -He works wonders
God is like Tide -He gets out the stains others left behind
God is like Hallmark - He cared enough to send the very best
God is like VO5 Hairspray - He holds through all kinds of weather
God is like Dial Soap - aren't you glad you know Him-don't you wish everyone did?
God is like Sears - He has everything
God is like Alka-Seltzer - Oh, what a relief He is
God is like Scotch Tape - You can't see Him, but you know He's there
God is like McDonalds - He'll do it all for you
God is like American Express - Don't leave home without it (Him!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spiritual Jokes
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man to God : "O Lord, I want peace".
God to Man : "When you remove yourself of 'I' and the 'want' you will automatically have peace."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is a tradition in the US for people to make statements through stickers they stick on their car bumpers. Here are a few funny bumper stickers.
"Procrastinate now"
"My Karma ran over my Dogma!!"
"Never drive faster than your angel can fly!!"
"I'd rather be in Samadhi"
"Out of body. Will be back in 15 minutes!"
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Vegetarians visualize whirled peas"
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Few One-liners ...
"Meditation - You have the right to remain silent."
"Don't just do something, sit there."
"Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along A rabbi is overcome with spiritual ecstasy and runs up to the altar, throwing himself on his knees, crying, "I'm nobody Lord! I'm nobody! Nobody!"
The cantor witnesses his state of humility and unity with the One and is so deeply moved, he too runs to altar yelling, "Lord, I"m nobody! I'm nobody, Lord!"
The janitor mopping the floor is dumbstruck, and also deeply moved. Filled with piety and a fervent spirit, he drops his mop and also dashes to the altar, proclaiming, "I'm nobody! Oh Lord, hear me, I'm nobody! Nobody!"
He prostrates himself beside the rabbi and cantor, repeating this mantrik cry, as the rabbi takes notice, turns to the cantor, and with a gesture, says, "So, look who's nobody."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
Part 2
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?" The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth. When the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine. The yogi said "No. I can transcend dental medication."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, then said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
When two psychic friends met, one said:
"You are fine. How am I ?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest and bus driver lived together and one day thay also together died.
They go to st. Peter stending before heaven gate. He allows the bus driver to go to one of the highest heavens but the priest has to wait.
He waits for long time and finaly goes to st. Peter and asks: "Why could that bus driver go to the highest heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"
St. Peter said: "When you were speaking to the people at your church everybody was sleeping, but when that bus driver was driving everybody prayed!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him: You can stay here but we have one important rule - all students observe Mouna or vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years. After practicing for 12 long years Yoga Asanas, Meditation, a lot of Karma Yoga, etc., the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.
He said: "The bed is too hard."
He kept going for another 12 years of hard Sadhana and austere discipline and got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."
Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit."
His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."
------------------------------------------------------------------------If God is not the answer, what was the question?
------------------------------------------------------------------------For the majority of us the most horrible fear is the fear of speaking in front of a public and the second most frightening fear is the fear of death.
Does that mean that if we had to do a speech at a funeral we would prefer to be dead ?
------------------------------------------------------------------------How to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.
------------------------------------------------------------------------How do you make God laugh?
Say: "This is mine".
------------------------------------------------------------------------What makes God laugh?
When a doctor tells his patient: "I cured you"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
www.buddhamind.info/riteside/farzical/farzical.htm
www.serve.com/~cmtan/buddhism/Lighter/comments.html
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Buddhist Humor
A zen student walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The Paratrooper
A paratrooper was scared to jump. His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."
The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him.
He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.
Dealing with Neurotics
The psychiatrist asks the Zen Master, "How do you deal with neurotics?"
The Zen Master replies, "I get them to the point where they can't ask anymore questions".
Driving in India
A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."
Compassion with an umbrella
A Western Buddhist woman was In india, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
Walking on water
Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my the other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"
Two Drunk monks
I took my son, Ian to a farewell party for some friends returning to their country. Ian, age 9, wisely observed that some of the participants drank too much (I was not among those). On our 1 1/2 hour journey home, I spoke to him about the importance of moderation.
After thinking for sometime, Ian said, "Dad, I have a story that I just made up."
"There were these two Buddhist monks who had about 13 beers each. One had to walk home quite some distance.
'Will you be all right to walk home?', the one asked
'Of course, I will take the Middle Path,' he replied."
Wise blind elephants
Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.
The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."
The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.
Flapping flag
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.
The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"
The other side
One day a young Buddhist on his journey home, came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him , he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher "Oh wise one , can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river"?
The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back "My son, you are on the other side" .
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two monks were walking and came to a deep and wide river where there was a naked woman on the bank wanting to be carried across since she couldn't swim. Now the two monks had taken a vow of celebacy or chastity and could not touch a woman.
However, one monk agreed to carry the woman across the river and set her down gently on the other side - the two carried on their journey.
After a time, the second monk spoke up and declared "I can't believe you touched that naked woman!"
The first monk replied "I can't believe you're still carrying her - I put her down back there at the river!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flapping flag
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.
The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus was...
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on the subject of the ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by one they offered their evidence -
Jesus was Mexican -
His name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was black -
He called everyone "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Jewish -
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Italian -
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Californian -
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that...
Jesus was Irish -
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence...
Jesus was a woman -
She fed a crowd at a moment's notice
Men didn't understand her
Even when dead, she arose to complete her work
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from God
To : YOU
Date : TODAY
From : YOUR FRIEND
Subject : YOURSELF
Reference : LIFE
I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems.
Please remember that I do not need your help.
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
Do not attempt to resolve it.
Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.
All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.
Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic; don’t despair.
There are people in this world for which driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work;
Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has
never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend;
Think of the woman in dire straits,
Working twelve hours a day,
Seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new grey hair in the mirror;
Thinks of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about,
Asking what is my purpose`? Be thankful.
There are those who didn’t live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness,
Ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse.
You could be one of them!
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The interview with God.
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.
“If you have the time” I said.
God smiled. “My time is eternity.”
“What questions do you have in mind for me?”
“What surprises you most about humankind?”
God answered...
“That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again.”
“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”
“That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future.”
"That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived.”
God’s hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.
And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons
you want your children to learn?”
“To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.”
“To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.”
“To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness.”
“To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”
“To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.”
“To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.”
“To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently.”
“To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”
"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.
"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"
God smiled and said,
“Just know that I am here... always.”
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www.otoons.com/eso/floss.htm
www.otoons.com/eso/clown_chakra.html
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Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
------------------------------------------------------------------------ COMMERCIAL JINGLES AND GOD
God is like Coca-Cola- He's the real thing
God is like Pan Am - He makes the going great
God is like General Electric - He lights your path
God is like Bayer Aspirin -He works wonders
God is like Tide -He gets out the stains others left behind
God is like Hallmark - He cared enough to send the very best
God is like VO5 Hairspray - He holds through all kinds of weather
God is like Dial Soap - aren't you glad you know Him-don't you wish everyone did?
God is like Sears - He has everything
God is like Alka-Seltzer - Oh, what a relief He is
God is like Scotch Tape - You can't see Him, but you know He's there
God is like McDonalds - He'll do it all for you
God is like American Express - Don't leave home without it (Him!)
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