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Post by stef on Mar 13, 2006 21:45:04 GMT
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
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Post by stef on Mar 18, 2006 13:21:34 GMT
A Morning Prayer
Dear God, So far today I have done all right. I have kept my mouth shut. I have not gossiped, yelled or lost my temper. I have not been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. I am glad about that. In a few minutes though I am probably going to need a lot of help, because, I am getting out of bed.
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Post by Ole on Mar 18, 2006 13:49:27 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by stef on Mar 20, 2006 18:02:19 GMT
where is jesus today? A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"
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Post by Ole on Mar 20, 2006 18:06:38 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Very nice one ;D ;D
Love Ole
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Post by stef on Mar 21, 2006 19:29:15 GMT
Everything Free in Heaven
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out.
" How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Post by Ole on Mar 21, 2006 19:59:58 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Very good one Stef ;D ;D ;D
Love Ole
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Post by stef on Mar 22, 2006 16:35:57 GMT
Code
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife too fell three times this week"
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Post by Ole on Mar 22, 2006 18:09:59 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D Nice one Stef ;D ;D ;D ;D
Love Ole
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Post by Ole on Mar 22, 2006 18:12:45 GMT
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
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Post by stef on Mar 22, 2006 18:20:28 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by anand on Mar 22, 2006 18:43:02 GMT
Dear stef and Ole, My first time with these jokes. These wee hillarious. love and laughter anand
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Post by stef on Mar 22, 2006 18:51:04 GMT
Hi anand Laughter is the best medicine.........add some Reiki and it's even better ;D ;D ;D love stef
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Post by saisri on Mar 22, 2006 18:57:33 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Hi Stef and Ole,
these are tooooo much ;D
love, Sridevi
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Post by stef on Mar 23, 2006 13:15:31 GMT
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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