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Post by dancingwind on Nov 10, 2005 15:14:52 GMT
An Ideal Marriage
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 10, 2005 15:18:54 GMT
Thank You for This Food
A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 12, 2005 8:37:23 GMT
Interpreting the Commandments ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother' she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
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Post by stef on Nov 12, 2005 11:18:43 GMT
Interpreting the Commandments ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother' she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill." love stef
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 12, 2005 12:04:29 GMT
A Heavenly Welcome
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 14, 2005 12:02:37 GMT
Bulletin Bloopers
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 15, 2005 11:27:07 GMT
Shipwrecked on an Island ;D
Two men were shipwrecked near an island. When they landed ashore, one of them began screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man leaned calmly against a palm tree.
When the first man saw how calm his friend was, he went crazy and shouted, "Don't you understand?! We're going to die!!"Undisturbed, the second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
Dumbfounded, the first man looked at him and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. Wherever I am, my pastor will be sure to find
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 16, 2005 7:34:26 GMT
REIKI CRISIS A letter of high importance for every Reiki Master. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
by author: unknown
Dear Reiki Master,
I am writing this to all my colleagues in the Reiki world as a matter of the utmost urgency and urge you to pass this message on speedily to as many people as you can, in order to avert the disaster that is threatening all our livelihoods.
It has come to my notice that there are subversive elements who are hell bent on lowering the costs of training in Reiki, indeed some of them are even offering to teach Reiki free of charge. This must be stopped. Personally I have been sending my own particular brand of Reiki to these people in the hope that they will all henceforth lose the ability to connect to the energy thereby rendering them ineffective. With love and compassion of course.
There are rumours being spread, on the internet mostly, that you don't need to pay vast amounts to practice Reiki. Now you and I know that the more you pay for your training the more effective that it is. These people are asking why then are we not healing more people with our better, stronger, Reiki. I think they are missing the point here. When we say more effective, we do not mean more effective for people in general. We mean that our 'Better than theirs Reiki' is much more effective at mystifying, confusing, and generally causing arguments amongst people thought they were adopting a spiritual practice which ultimately benefits all sentient beings. The last thing that is needed is for anyone to suspect that free Reiki and expensive Reiki is exactly the same thing. If these people are allowed to continue spreading information freely, teaching and passing attunements freely and passing on the benefits of their own experience so that others can learn, then we can all kiss respective golden gooses goodbye. I for one will not tolerate this disrespectful behaviour, if I paid thousands to purchase the gift of Reiki, then everyone else should pay thousands too - it's only fair. Added to that I have already ordered my new BMW and I'm damned if I'm giving that up.
Contrary to what is being spread about we traditionalists, I have never discriminated against anyone who wanted to learn Reiki. I teach anyone no matter what creed,colour, sex or age they are. The only thing I take into account is how much money they can pay me. And accusations of discrimination against the not rich may be directed to my legal advisors.
There are a number of things that you can do. Firstly pass this letter on as soon as you can. The quicker we can inform people the more chance we have of preserving our philosophy of spiritual abundance.
If you hear of anyone who subscribes to the free Reiki camp, then you can spread rumours about them. Tell people that they will not be trained properly. Explain about the sliding scale payments that ensure your eventual enlightment, as soon as the last payment is made. (I also run a finance company that provides high interest loans for those who can't afford to pay all at once - just as a further service to my brothers and sisters see http://www.reikisharks.com)
Also, please ensure that if you are training new students, that they only find out information on a need to know basis (I ask for medical certification to validate their requests) this way you can make sure that they can't give anything away.
If students question the high prices, you can inform them that as you are much more spiritually advanced than they, they should just accept what they are told. There is a real danger of non qualified people starting to think that everyone on the planet is on a spiritual path unless this is not done forcefully. Also discourage discussion between students, sometimes they get together and form their own learning groups and this is to be avoided at all costs.
Anyone who asks why after paying all that money to you, were they not able to heal their friend/parent/childs illness should be informed that it is because they are not dedicated enough and their intent must have been impure. Sign them up for further courses to rectify their failings immediately. You should be able to extort a further three or four courses worth of money out of them before they realise that they've been had.
Always remember to smile and speak gently, that way they won't realise that you've been patronising them for a long time.
If they are still not convinced show them that your lineage is printed on really nice paper, and can be traced back to Dr. Usui's next-door neighbour's granny via an offshore Swiss Bank. There is also the enticement of really big symbols that have just been channelled - I find that most folks will sign up like a shot when they hear about that. In actual fact I have recently been given two of the most wonderful symbols by my guide Itsmaparti which are incredible. These not only heal any ailment, raise people from the dead, but can help train problem dogs and assemble flatpack furniture too. If anyone wants to be attuned to these symbols, I can let you have them discounted when you sign up for my own Skarew Yue Reiki (accredited by God) details of this will shortly be available on my forthcoming website, as soon as my latest master candidate can find the time to design it for me.
On this planned website (url will be forwarded to those interested), the total cost of all 100 levels, grand mastership, really grand mastership, goldenlineagebearership, extraspecialruleroftheuniversedegreelevel, and the sacred 443 symbols given to me by Ismaparti will described in very obscure language so as to make sure that nobody finds out a thing unless I say so. The most special thing about this new Reiki (which is set to wipe out all other Reikis) is that all the symbols are rented only to students and are held by me under copyright. Each symbols is changed on a weekly basis, the old symbols being disempowered by myself, in order that I can keep tight controls on this wonderful god given energy and there will be no chance of anyone being able to use them if they are ever put on the net.
Please join with me to suppress all information about Reiki, keep Reiki as pure and elitist as it has ever been, and above all sling plenty of mud at those who would offer healing to the world. Our bank statements are at risk. ACT NOW !
Your compassionate and loving friend,
Guru Boundless Ego
Grand Reiki Advanced Master Teacher Lineage Bearer of the MY REIKI IS BETTER THAN YOURS IS © Worldwide Association
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 16, 2005 7:36:04 GMT
Sign up today for Great Super Sensei Grand Master Maharishi Mahavatar Satya Sri Vinny 's "Reiki Revival Extravaganza Bonanza."
This is a limited time offer! Act today! Sign up now!
You get three, yes THREE reiki attunements and four symbols. Act within the next 30 minutes and you will get a fifth symbol FREE!
But wait, that is not all, if you sign up with a credit card or certified check we will also include the Karuna and Seichim symbols and attunements, as well as our extra secret Reiki "higher vibrational manual". That's right our 666 page manual of all the extra secret techniques channelled by GreatSuper Grand Master Satya Sri Vinny Maharishi from the real ascended grand master reiki guides. Others claim to channel the real ascended grand master guides but we have the real deal!
(Do not believe the lies spread by our competitors! Great Super Grand Master Satya Sri Vinny Maharishi sits on THE great ascended master galactic council, just because there was 5 vote retallies and the matter had to be settle be the supreme court council in no way invalidates the election)
Some of the Extravaganza Bonanza topics include:
* Reiki and Sex - which styles really are most deeply penetrating.
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* Reiki Music - Hatsurei Ho Ho Ho and other Reiki Christmas Songs
* Trademark Law for the Reiki Master
* Pest life therapy - ridding yourself of annoying students Space Aliens, Reiki and You
* Being a Reiki Master - subtle teachings to enhance the ego and put down other's teachings and the spiritual are of acting mysterious
* Auto suggestion and increasing the client's subjective perception of the strength of the reiki energy
That's right we give you all this and more.
Now how much would you expect to pay for an action packed reiki class like this? 10, 000 dollars? Five thousand? No not even 5000 dollars. Act today, for the low low price of $875.00 (US in small unmarked bills only please) and you will get all this!
Don't wait, call now, operators are standing by.
But wait! There's still more, if you call within the next 5 minutes we will include "Channeling new symbols and Systems for fun and profit". This fine leather bound volume teaches the fine art of creating your own reiki system. Just think of the hours of enjoyment as well as new income opportunities for the unsuspecting.
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 16, 2005 9:13:35 GMT
Eve's Steep Price
God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am going to give you the perfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect."
Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 19, 2005 10:12:12 GMT
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 20, 2005 13:07:49 GMT
Elisha and Two She-Bears ;D ;D ;D ;D
A minister was talking to a children's Sunday school class about the Old Testament story of the children who mocked Elisha on his journey to Bethel. For once, he had everyone's attention, as he described how the youngsters taunted the poor old prophet and how they were punished: Two she-bears came out of the wild and ate 42 of them."And now, children," said the pastor, wondering whether he had gotten his point across, “what does this story show us?”
A little girl in the front raised her hand and said, "It shows how many children two she-bears can hold."
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 21, 2005 9:58:49 GMT
The Old Preacher ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 22, 2005 12:59:03 GMT
The Door Stopper ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 23, 2005 17:23:37 GMT
Thanksgiving Blessings
All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren.
Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls.Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face.
When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."
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