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Post by dancingwind on Nov 24, 2005 13:01:31 GMT
Spiritual Jokes: God and Moses ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things you sent me?"
"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog at e them, but of course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think tha t means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 24, 2005 13:03:54 GMT
I Don't Want to Go
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 26, 2005 11:45:02 GMT
A Choir Director's Beatitudes ;D ;D ;D
.... And, seeing the long Church Year before them, and knowing the awesome role that music must play in the worship services that lay ahead, the Choir Director called together the singers and spake to them, saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, those who are willing to blend their voices into a harmonious ensemble, for theirs is the music of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn when forced to miss rehearsal, but call to inform the Director of their anticipated absence, for in these faithful few shall the Director find comfort.
Blessed are the meek, who submit themselves to following the Director, for they shall merit great worth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after rehearsals are concluded, bringing with them neither gum nor goodies, for they shall be filled with music.
Blessed are the merciful, who take pity on the music's composer, careful to read the original notes, follow the original time, proc laim resoundingly the original message, for they shall obtain mercy from discriminating critics.
Blessed are the pure in pitch, in tone, in enunciation, for their voices shall blend in moving harmonies, enabling others to envision God.
Blessed are the music-makers, for they shall be called the heralders of God.
Blessed are ye singers when the Director shall seem to persecute you for the sake of the final rendition; be patient and rejoice, for of such perfection is the music of heaven.
Blessed are ye when other choirs shall revile you, and turn their ears from you, and say all manner of evil against you jealously.
Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heavenly satisfaction that you have sung faithfully and well - for so disparaged they the great singers who were before you ... perhaps even that Bethlehem choir of Angel voices!
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 26, 2005 11:47:15 GMT
Behold, I Come Quickly The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try. "Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. The young preacher apologized profusely. "That’s all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 27, 2005 11:05:25 GMT
Biblical Theme Songs ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 29, 2005 7:29:15 GMT
Spiritual Jokes "Meditation - You have the right to remain silent."
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Post by dancingwind on Nov 29, 2005 10:47:05 GMT
Lost in the Service ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly,
"Good morning, son."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, what is this for? Why are all these names listed on here?"
"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
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Post by dancingwind on Dec 1, 2005 7:55:20 GMT
"Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time."
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Post by dancingwind on Dec 1, 2005 8:11:06 GMT
The Vote for Heaven or Hell ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator."Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
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Post by stef on Dec 1, 2005 10:47:05 GMT
Karma love stef
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Post by saisri on Dec 1, 2005 15:04:44 GMT
good one!! Love Sridevi
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Post by dancingwind on Dec 1, 2005 19:49:27 GMT
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Post by dancingwind on Dec 1, 2005 19:50:42 GMT
good one!! Love Sridevi Thanks!Yes, it is ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D love, Brigitte
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Post by dancingwind on Dec 2, 2005 11:32:15 GMT
A rabbi is overcome with spiritual ecstasy and runs up to the altar, throwing himself on his knees, crying, "I'm nobody Lord! I'm nobody! Nobody!" The cantor witnesses his state of humility and unity with the One and is so deeply moved, he too runs to altar yelling, "Lord, I"m nobody! I'm nobody, Lord!" The janitor mopping the floor is dumbstruck, and also deeply moved. Filled with piety and a fervent spirit, he drops his mop and also dashes to the altar, proclaiming, "I'm nobody! Oh Lord, hear me, I'm nobody! Nobody!" He prostrates himself beside the rabbi and cantor, repeating this mantrik cry, as the rabbi takes notice, turns to the cantor, and with a gesture, says, "So, look who's nobody."
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Post by dancingwind on Dec 2, 2005 11:34:35 GMT
Strong Medicine for the Nun ;D ;D ;D ;D
Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse." The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
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